SoCS – I’m fine, really…

Fine is one of those words that doesn’t really inspire writing.  If you were inspired by it, I salute you because I’ve been sitting here for fifteen minutes with nothing buy fuzz in my head.  I’m not even sure I would use it in writing, to be honest.  Describing someone as “fine” is just not descriptive at all.  Fine is something I usually say when I’m upset and not ready to talk yet.  “Are you okay?”  “I’m fine!”

The other descriptive way it’s been used in the past is to describe someone as beautiful or handsome.  “He’s so fine.”  I think it was before my time, or maybe it just my time after all and I just don’t want to admit it.

I even thought about adding a prefix to it and talking about defining myself, but honestly, I’m not in the best frame of mind for that sort of post.  I feel like I’m floundering and nothing feels quite right.  I know I’m in a funk and when it’s like this, my thoughts work overtime trying to come up with “solutions” to the “problem”, when really, there is no solution.  Depression is like that, isn’t it?  The minute you try to define it, you’ve pretty much lost yourself to a vacuum of negativity and churning thoughts that go nowhere.

See, I didn’t really want this post to be like this, but it seems my stream of consciousness is reflective of my dark mood.  The weather isn’t helping.  It seems to me that our seasons have sort of changed.  March used to be the start of spring, but we just barely started having winter, so I’m thinking we might just go straight to summer in June like we did last year.  I’m actually happy it finally started snowing.  It’s weird to have the expectation of something and then to watch day after day without that thing happening.

That sounds an awful lot like what’s going on inside me right now; the expectation of something that isn’t quite happening.  Nothing’s really great, but nothing is really bad either.  I suppose you could say that I’m just fine…

Stream of Consciousness Saturday  is hosted by Linda G Hill. Today’s prompt is “fine.” Use it any way you’d like, bonus points if you use it as the last word of your post. Have fun!



SoCS – In Other Words

For all my talk of 2018 being so much better than last year, it sure started off in a bad way.  I feel like this damn flu has swept me up in its clutches and it just won’t let me go.  Every time I feel like I’ve beaten it, I do something like start an exercise regiment that is far too hard for someone who hasn’t really exercised in two years, and BAM!, I’m straight in bed.

In other words, and perhaps more plainly, I just can’t seem to catch a break.

Here I thought that things were looking up.  I bought an elliptical, a new year started and everything seemed new and fresh.  I suppose it still is.  I just need to learn that I can’t do it all, you know?  I have a tendency to go all in when I really need to start slowly.  I think I realized too late that I was pushing too hard.  I tried to take it easy and then last Saturday I did a workout that was just too hard.  That one finally sealed my fate.

I stayed home from work yesterday and I’ve spent a lot of time reading, which is nice.  I started reading the Game of Thrones series in December of 2016.  I am finally on book five, but it has taken me a year to get here.  The really sad thing is that the next book isn’t scheduled to come out until next year.  While I have plenty of time to finish this book, I’m sort of ready to start something new.  However, I’m one of those people who has a hard time moving on until I’ve finished whatever it is I’m working on.

I’m stubborn.  I actually bought a few books and even tried to start reading a new one, but Game of Thrones kept beckoning.  So, now I have another book lying on a coffee table with a bookmark in it.  I’m probably going to have to start that one over again because I can’t remember what I actually read.

Sometimes getting sick is just what a body needs.  I suppose this is my body’s way of saying slow the hell down.  I’m planning to take it just as easy today.  I even hooked up the laptop so I could be lazy in my recliner.  I must do this more often.  It actually makes for relaxing writing.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday  is hosted by Linda G Hill. Today’s prompt is “in other words.” Use the phrase at least once in your post. Have fun!


#JustJoJan Day 23 – Colour

Why is it that everyone sees colors differently?  It makes me wonder if they are seeing the same color that I am, you know?  I was in my boss’s office today and we were going over some of my responsibilities in relation to a spreadsheet she had open.  Some things we determined were stalled, so she colored them gray.  Then, she asked me which ones I would like to keep if I had a choice.  Those she was going to highlight a “happy”color, but she picked this moody sea green.  As soon as she did it, she said, “Well that’s not very happy,” and changed it to a bright sky blue.

I’m sure some people would have looked at that color and thought it was perfectly happy.  She mentioned that she thought pastel colors were happy colors, but she couldn’t find one on the computer in that moment.  I honestly find most pastel colors boring.  I prefer my colors bright and dark.  I suppose that could have a lot to do with my coloring and the types of colors I can wear, but I think it also has to do with my perception.

I know white isn’t a color, but after a snow storm, there is usually a period of time when the clouds clear and the sky is a pristine blue with all the bright white snow sparkling in the sunlight.  I find that color beautiful.  Then there are days, especially where I live, where the inversion sets in and the sky could be a muted blue or a murky gray from one moment to the next.  It’s depressing.

It’s crazy how colors can affect your mood, too.  I’ve been enjoying the scenery the past few days because we had a pretty big snow storm, and in most places there is still some snow on trees and lawns.  The mountains are also covered and it makes for some beautiful viewing.  Just last week, though, I was thinking it was looking pretty dismal.  The grass was an ugly brownish-green and the trees had that non-color that happens during winter.  Those muted non-colors can happen during summer too.  Some of my favorite colors during summer happen during and after a rain storm.

Geez, I’m a moody person.

The ironic thing, if you can call it that, is my absolute favorite color is purple.  That’s a happy color, right?

Just Jot It January is hosted by Linda G. Hill. Today’s word, colour, was suggested to us by Supernatural Snark.

#JustJoJan Day 18 – Revolt (to a certain degree)

I consider myself a pretty decent person.  Sure I get upset and I’ve done some bad things in my life, but I think I’ve lived a pretty normal life without too much trouble.  I also realized today that I’ve always been somewhat afraid to revolt against authority figures or the “system”.  I even have a hard time raising hell in a restaurant when my food is wrong.  I will usually just pick at it, pay for it and then leave.

I don’t know.  I think I’ve gotten better in some ways, but today I had to deal with the fact that I am firmly in rebellion.

I have a bill from a doctor’s office that I am refusing to pay.  I’ve said things like that before, but I’ve always caved when things got hard and just ended up paying it or whatever.  Not this time.  This time, I am prepared to go the distance.

The great thing about today is that I finally decided to stop dealing with the doctor’s office altogether, because they so obviously don’t want to deal with me.  Since they blamed my EOB and the fact that they need to bill me how my insurance company paid the claim, I decided to give them a call.

I wasn’t calling them to ask for help.  I honestly just wanted to know why they paid the claim the way they did so I could go back to the doctor’s office armed with more information.  Information is always a good thing, especially when someone is trying to use it against you.

I was humbled and amazed that the insurance company actually helped me.  After hearing my story, the lady on the phone decided to give my claim an exception and she is going to submit the claim for processing (even though it was out of network).  Not only that, she said I could file an appeal if they try to bill me for the remaining balance.  She basically said they should be writing it off, but if they aren’t going to do it nicely, then we have other ways of getting it done.

I honestly cried.  This has been such a nightmare and I’m just happy I found someone who agreed with me and is willing to help me.

I plan on never going to that clinic again.  Now that I’m thinking about it, I should honestly post their information on Facebook and what-not, but I’m not at that stage yet.  I guess I’m in revolt, but only to a certain degree.

Just Jot It January is hosted by Linda G. Hill. Today’s word, revolt, was suggested to us Sandra at What Sandra Thinks.

#JustJoJan Day 16 – Contemplation

I spend a lot of time contemplating things.  I could blame it on being a writer, but sometimes I will get lost in thought about what happened at dinner last night or that conversation I had with my son on Sunday.  I think I woke up in the middle of the night about that one.  I honestly thought maybe I’d expressed my opinion too strongly for my fourteen-year-old, so I texted him the next day to make sure he was okay.  Of course, his response was, “I actually kinda enjoyed that conversation, it was fun.”

It’s amazing how the more you contemplate something, the more it changes or becomes something else.  I’d convinced myself that he was scarred for life!

I think this is also true for life in general.  If you just take a deep breath and stop thinking so much about it and dwelling on it, it will most likely pass and you’ll feel better.  That isn’t always the case, but I think it’s a good general rule.

I have gained some weight in the last two years, but for some reason, in the last two months, I was convinced I was going to break the scale if I stood on it.  Having received my brand new elliptical last week, I made it a point to check my weight so I could track my progress going forward.  It honestly wasn’t as bad as I’d convinced myself it would be.  Do I need to lose some pounds?  Hell yes!  But I definitely don’t need to spend time contemplating it and telling myself over and over again how awful I look.  Why are we so mean to ourselves?

The good news is that I can make the change.  I’ve exercised two nights in a row now and I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time!

Just Jot It January is hosted by Linda G. Hill. Today’s word, contemplation, was suggested to us Cheryl at The Bag Lady.

#JustJoJan Day 15 – Justice, sometimes served daily

I don’t know how it happened, but I am all about watching and listening to true crime.  It’s such a weird thing because I used to steer clear of it when I was younger.  There can be some pretty disturbing things, and believe me, I’ve listened to some lately.  I was listening to an episode of Sword and Scale (a wonderful Podcast, by the way) and the host gave a very strong warning at the beginning of it.  I thought he was maybe going a little overboard and it honestly made me want to to listen even more.

I should have listened to the warning.  It was pretty terrible, and I ended up fast-forwarding to the end to find out if justice was served.  I think that’s the draw in a lot of ways, hearing or seeing that the “bad” buy got arrested and thrown in jail for a long time.

However, it doesn’t always work out that way.  Every time we start watching one of these types of shows, the hubby will say, “I sure hope this isn’t one of those episodes where the killer is never caught.”  It’s hard to sit through one of those episodes only to find out that they are still searching for the bad guy or even worse, that the justice system failed and they were set free.

The more I listen to them and watch them, I’m starting to realize that there is never really a clear answer.  There are cases where all the evidence and signs point to a certain person and they can sort of recreate what happened from that evidence, but for the most part, the only ones who ever really know the truth are the ones who were there.

There was one story where a woman was found dead at the bottom of her stairs and the husband was convicted of the crime, but he swears he didn’t do it.  Now, there is someone involved in the case who says the evidence points to an owl.  He believes an owl attacked this woman and she ran inside only to die at the bottom of the stairs.  Honestly, after watching her husband and her kids and listening to the story and this new far-fetched idea, I sort of think it is more plausible than the husband.

It’s all just so interesting.  I think that’s what keeps me listening and searching for new shows and podcasts.  It also helps with story ideas, so I suppose that’s another plus.

Just Jot It January is hosted by Linda G. Hill. Today’s word, justice, was suggested to us by Barb at Gallimaufry.

#JustJoJan Day 12 – Aggravation at it’s finest and me at my worst

My hubby and kids know the best way to aggravate me is to talk during a movie or TV show.  You’d think they’d stop doing it because they know, but no.  Thank god we have a pause button now so that no matter what we’re watching, I can pause it and give them that blank stare that means shut the hell up.

Just the other night, we were watching a show and the hubby thought one of the guys looked weird so he starting talking to my son and before you know it, they’re having a full blown conversation about this guys eyes or something.  I finally paused the show and said, “By all means, let’s have a conversation.”  That doesn’t mean to keep talking, but being male, they both took it as permission and kept right on going.  I pretty much lost my shit.  It wasn’t cute.

I talk during movies and shows, but there is honestly a right way to do it.  You talk when music is playing or when the scenes change.  There are always little bits of time when not much is going on.  But please, please, please don’t do it right when the characters launch into a conversation that reveals plot details!  I don’t understand it and I’m sure it will always aggravate me.

I have learned to breathe, though.  I’ve learned that it’s okay to hit the pause button and patiently wait.  I’m sure that if you asked the hubby he would say that I never just patiently wait, but I do try.  What I can’t understand is why they continue to do it when they know it bugs the crap out of me!

I know, I know… life is too short and is that TV show or movie really that important?  Well, no, but I’m a storyteller at heart and I can’t have an incomplete story.  I just can’t!

Just Jot It January is hosted by Linda G. Hill. Today’s word, aggravate, was suggested to us by Fandango at This, That, and the Other.