SoCS – A Fresh Start (or is it?)

I feel like 2017 started with so many resolutions.  We’d just moved into a new house, we were planning a wedding and things couldn’t have been better.  I was still recovering from surgery, but it was all looking so fantastic.  Little did I know how the year would end up and how all those resolutions would be put to the test.  It’s been a rough year, to say the least.

In talking to many different people, it seems that many of us struggled through this year.  Isn’t it strange that we all look around for something to blame?  Was there a full moon every day this year?  Did the stars realign to a point that brought bad luck to everyone?  Was it because Trump is president? (I had to throw that one in there for good measure).

Whatever the reason, it seems to have been a hard year for many of us.  With that comes a sense of wanting to have a fresh new start.  I dislike the idea that something should be started with the new year or the new month or a new week.  It always seemed so strange to me that you wouldn’t just start doing whatever it is.  If you make a resolution, why wait to start it sometime in the future?

However, I fall trap to it every year myself.  For some reason, that fresh start is a powerful thing.  The idea that the slate will be wiped clean and we have a whole new set of months to fill up with whatever we choose.  Of course, as we’ve seen this year, fate or whatever does have some role, so we can’t always choose how things will go.

What we can choose is our attitude.  I’ve had a pretty crappy attitude, especially the last part of this year, and I kept telling myself that I just needed to make it through this year and the next would be better.  I’m thinking I missed out on some months that could have been better, though.

I’m always preaching that it’s best to live in the moment because the past is gone and who knows what tomorrow will bring.  I suppose this little post here is my wake up call.  2018 only being a few days away might have something to do with it too, but I’d like to think that maybe I’ve just grown?

I hope you all have a happy and safe New Year celebration!

Stream of Consciousness Saturday  is hosted by Linda G Hill. Today’s prompt is “resolution.” Use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!



SoCS – The Body and it’s amazing capacity to heal

Any time I think back on the past few months and everything we’ve been through, I’m amazed at the human spirit.  I’m amazed that we can go through so much physically and emotionally and still have hope; still wake up each new day and find reasons to keep taking each breath and putting one foot in front of the other.

Some days are harder than others, though.

When I was preparing for my surgery in December, I was thinking I would be back to “normal” within a few weeks.  It wasn’t my first surgery after all, and that was typically how long it took my body to heal.  Boy, was I mistaken.  Apparently, there are certain surgeries that are more invasive than others, and I had no idea what I was in for.  I still feel like my body is different in certain ways (other than missing a certain piece that was no longer serving any useful purpose except to cause me pain).  It’s strange to think how everything in our bodies is so connected.

I didn’t feel completely back to “normal” again when we found out about my fiance.  Now he’s dealing with recovery and some days feel like an eternity when all you want is to have your body back.

I think I’m a pretty decent caregiver, except when it comes to the emotions.  I don’t know, that’s probably not even true.  But, what I do know is that it hurts me to see him like this and I feel so weak when I cry and worry.  It’s hard to know the “right” things to say or do.  I’m constantly telling him that I’m supposed to be the strong one to help him through this, but I find myself just as sad and depressed as he is because things aren’t completely back to normal yet.  (Not that they should be, by any means).

I’ve sort of strayed from my original theme of amazement.

Our bodies are elusive, wonderfully strange things.  Being there with him right after surgery, I watched the tubes and machines and all the things I can only imagine they did to his body during surgery, and the only thing I feel is amazed.  Amazed that our bodies heal like they do; amazed that we (or doctors) have the ability to fix something that was defective from birth; amazed that everything is so connected, that when one thing is “broken” you might feel it in different parts of your body as other parts start to compensate for the “broken” piece.

I suppose I could go on and on about it, but I’m sure it’s intermixed with a certain frustration that while our bodies are amazing, they are super frustrating sometimes in terms of emotions.  The workings of the body are super logical and I suppose just science, which doesn’t really factor in the emotional turmoil you find yourself in during the whole healing process.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G Hill. Today’s prompt is to begin your post with the word “any” and bonus points if your theme starts with another word that begins with “A”.


SoCS – Time seems so short

I’ve posted recently how me and my fiance have been dealing with health issues the past few months.  For me it was just a slow recovery from my surgery in December.  For my fiance, well, we finally found out why he’s been struggling so much the past few months.

We just spent a grueling few days in the hospital and have to check back in tomorrow for him to have some pretty invasive surgery on Monday.  Needless to say, this is going to be my last post for a while.

We are both pretty private people, so I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but any prayers or positive thoughts sent our way would be much appreciated.

For Song Lyric Sunday, my sister is going to take over my blog to post the theme for the next few weeks as well as her own submission.  I think things went well the last time she helped out and I have no doubts you will all be in good hands.

I’ve been thinking about time a lot in the past few days – how sometimes it feels like it moves so slowly, but then there are times, like now, when it feels so short, like there just isn’t enough of it.

It’s hard to live in the present moment when you have something so big looming in front of you, but I’m going to do my best.  Today is all about spending time and getting things in order because the next few weeks will be all about hospitals and recovery (god willing).

I know I haven’t been around much lately, but I am so grateful for this community.  I consider many of you friends and know we would actually hang out if we ever got to meet in person.  Who knows, perhaps this will become a lifeline in a dark time and it will help me get my thoughts out.  For now though, it just feels burdensome and almost like it’s taking me away from where I actually need to be, which is right next to the man I love.

Happy Saturday everyone!


Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G Hill. Today’s prompt is “short”.


Mindful Monday – Learning to embrace change

I can’t believe it’s been another week… the time is just flying by.  It makes me think about how quickly things can change.  Change is a way of life and as much as I don’t like change, it happens every single day.  The way my world looked a year ago is completely different than what I’m living now.

Last year, I was working a job I thoroughly disliked and I was unhappy as hell.  I felt like I was going backwards in my career, not only with compensation, but also with what I was doing.  It was a pretty rough situation.  Looking back now, I’m amazed that I almost ended up staying…

I’d been halfheartedly looking for a job and hating every minute of it.  I remember one random Sunday I sent my resume to two different places while I was making my Monster page public.  Two days later, I couldn’t even remember the name of those companies or what the jobs were.  You can imagine my surprise when one of them called me two or three weeks later.

I decided to set up a phone interview, but two days before it was supposed to happen, I almost cancelled it.  I was talking to my Fiance about how maybe things weren’t that bad at the current job and things were starting to change.  He told me I should keep the interview, “it’s good to have options,” he said.  I still almost cancelled it…

I decided to keep the appointment and I can’t even tell you how grateful I am that I did.  I’m moving up quicker than I thought possible and I have a boss who respects me and sees my potential.  She has raised my pay twice in less than a year and I have another pretty fancy title coming my way as well.  I’m finally happy in my day job after three long years of feeling in-between.

What does all of this have to do with Mindfulness?  I believe it’s about not attaching too heavily to the situation you’re in today.  Accept it, be in the moment, but also know that things will be very different in a week, a month and most definitely a year.

I have a hard time with change, but it can be a good thing in the end.

Bee at A Spirit of Healing is currently hosting Mindful Monday while Colleen at Silver Threading is away.


Mindful Monday – Living in the past is far from helpful

I had a revelation today and I’m thinking it had something to do with Bee’s post over at A Spirit of Healing.  She posted some helpful links about positive affirmations (thanks Bee!!).  I believe in affirmations wholeheartedly, but Bee mentioned, and I’m noting, that we have so many thoughts that we aren’t even aware of that it is hard to make significant changes when it seems you’re working against yourself.

I’ve talked about that one summer that I worked out really hard and saw significant results in both how my body looked and my weight.  But what I realized today is that I went into that summer not really caring about how I looked or my weight.  I even remember telling friends that I wasn’t doing it for weight loss or anything other than wanting to run Tough Mudder with my sister and feeling really good working out.

I then went through a hell of a year last year and stopped working out and had surgery and a whole host of other things that left me significantly heavier than I want to be and feeling like I have to do something!

But it’s almost like I’m working against myself.  I don’t know how many times I tell myself that I don’t like how I look and working out is hard and on and on… It far outweighs the good things I say to myself.  And I’m wondering if that has something to do with my results…

Not only do I believe in positive affirmations, I’m also a huge believer in living in the present moment.  So, why have I been living in the past?  I think it’s hard to let go of that time when you were you’re skinniest or happiest or whatever it is that you hold on to as the pedestal you are no longer on and are having a hard time reaching again.

How many of us have a number in our heads – that weight we were at when we were in high school…? How realistic is that at 40, 50 or older?  Maybe for some people it is and I’m also sure there are those who have weighed relatively the same their whole life.  I’m not one of those people.  And I think it’s time to start letting that one summer go so I can focus on the here and now.

I love the me I am right now.  This will be my mantra anytime I hold my current standard up to that one summer or any other time in my life that isn’t this moment right now.





This post is part of Mindful Monday hosted by Colleen at Silver Threading.


SoCS and #LoIsInDaBl Day 20 – Embracing Each Moment

Isn’t is crazy how time works?  A month no longer seems like the month it used to be when I was younger.  I have no idea where January went, and February is almost over.  It reminds me more and more to embrace each moment because they are so fleeting.

I was upset once about something that happened at work.  My boss at the time was a huge ass, but he did say something that has stuck with me.  He asked me to write down what I was upset about and stick it under my keyboard and leave it for a few months.  After a few months (if I even remembered it was there) I was supposed to take it out and read it.  I think the whole idea was to show me that in a few months, it wouldn’t even matter.

I’m pretty sure a few months after he told me that, I had given my notice and was working somewhere else, so did it matter?  Probably not.  But it doesn’t take away what is happening in the moment.  I think it only offers to help you deal with it in a more level-headed way.  I don’t know.  Maybe not though.

I’m thinking that if I had one thing I would tell my kids, though, it would be to embrace each moment of their life.  Don’t get so caught up in the tragic moments because they will pass.  It might seem like doomsday at the time, but the darkness has highs and lows, just like the light.

I wish I had embraced more of life when my children were younger.  I only hope that I am better now; that I am showing them how amazing life can be; how fulfilling it is even though we face demons along the way.

In true SoCS style, I am thinking what a beautiful day it is outside (even though a little chilly still) and I am going to make the most of it and go for my first run of the year outside.  I’ve been wanting to do it for the last two days, but by the time I get home from work, it is a bit too dark, and too darn cold.  I love running outside, but braving the elements isn’t something I’m willing to do anymore.  I just can’t!

Happy Saturday everyone!

Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G. Hill and Love Is In Da Blog is hosted by Bee at Just Fooling around with Bee. Linda’s prompt today was to use a contraction at the beginning and the end of your post which I managed to do if you don’t count my well wishes at the end.  Bee’s prompt was “love letter” which I think I managed to sneak in with a pseudo love letter to my children.