Flash Fiction – Avenging Angel

Every mom wants the best for their child, and I’m no exception. I don’t know how many times I pictured your graduation; you, in a white dress, walking down the aisle; you having a child of your own. It’s something a mother almost expects. What they don’t expect is a gravestone.

Yours reads:

My Angel
May 23, 1990 – January 12, 2005
Gone to find her wings…

I wish you could tell me whether or not you like it. I tried to capture you, all of you; but how do you do that in such a small space. You were so large. You filled up every room and the light sort of fizzled the moment you stepped out of it. When you left this world, you took so much of me with you that there isn’t much left; not much reason for me to remain.

I can hear you now, telling me how cryptic I am; how I have so much to live for. I know you’d want me to move on. Perhaps you’d also understand that I just can’t.

I’m not so bold to think you’d thank me for it or that you’d do the same for me. I would honestly tell you not to. But would it matter? I don’t know.

For the last year, I’ve listened and I’ve watched. I’ve attended every court session, heard everything they said about you, about what he did. There were moments that I was sure I was being ripped apart.

I wish I could go back to that night and tell you not to go. I wish I could have yelled at myself to go with you. I would have saved you. Either that, or I would still be with you; the two of us, angels up in heaven. We’d take heaven by storm, just like we were so close to doing here.

The details of that night will forever be burned in my memory, as if I’d been there; as if I’d lived it with you. If only I could take the burden from you; the gruesome horror of it. Why couldn’t it have been me? Why did it have to be you?

I’ve watched those twelve people sitting in that box. I’ve watched their faces. At first, they were horrified. I watched as they sent murderous glares to the monster on the other side of the courtroom. If only glares could do what must be done.

It didn’t take long for those looks to change. Now, they are pensive; thoughtful. There were times, when he was on the stand, that everyone was laughing. How could anyone laugh? But I’ve noticed that he has ways with people, which is perhaps why he has been allowed to continue; why you ended up in his grasp.

When they filed out to deliberate, I already knew what was going to happen. I knew what their decision would be, so I found myself leaving the courtroom. I went fast because I didn’t think it would take them long. I drove all the way across town, breaking every speed limit along the way, grabbed the item I knew would set you free, and then I hurried back.

I was right. My phone rang while I was parking. Their deliberation was done.

My heart started beating in my chest like a trapped bird struggling for flight. As far as plans went, mine was flimsy, but I’d been thinking of this since the moment they pulled back the sheet and I saw your broken body lying on the cold hard slab. I didn’t cry then, but I was forever broken.

I settled in with the crowd making their way back into the courtroom. There were whispers, bursts of laughter, and I heard someone crying. Is that me?

I didn’t bother to sit. I stood in the corner at the back of the room. I wanted to be the first one out. It felt like I hadn’t taken a breath before those twelve people were filing back into their seats.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, have you reached a verdict?”

“We have, your honor.”

My ears started to ring and within seconds, it was a loud roar echoing throughout my head. When they finally said the words, they replaced the roar and continued echoing around my head.

Not Guilty
Not Guilty
Not Guilty

And even though I was expecting it, I almost dropped to my knees in horror. How could they? Didn’t they see what he’d done to you?

I was the first one out the door. I thought I heard someone yelling my name, but I kept on moving. I ran to my car, grabbed what I needed, ran back to the courthouse steps and stood next to a pillar. Before I knew it, he was walking out the doors. Cameras were flashing and people were yelling questions, trying to get his attention.

“How does it feel to be a free man?”

“What are you going to do now?”

I watched as he smiled into all the cameras and started talking into the microphones.

I didn’t need his attention. I just needed him in hell where he belonged. Slowly, I pulled out the gun. Everything became silent except the buzzing that had started in my ears. Slowly, silently, I aimed for the center of his body and pulled the trigger. I pulled it again, and again, and again. I don’t know what happened first, the gun clicking empty or the mad rush of noise in my ears as I felt something hard enter my chest.

Amidst the cacophony of noise that I can’t make sense of, I find myself looking up at the cloudless blue sky, coughing up blood and struggling for breath. I manage to smile when I see white wings above me, beating in the glow of the sun.

Now you are free, my love, and I will be with you soon.


I haven’t participated in a Chuck Wendig challenge in way too long, but this week, it spoke to me.  He asked us to write a story of revenge in about 1,000 words and this one came out pretty easily.  It felt good to write something longer than 100 words.  I guess I can still do it…

Mindful Monday – Listening to your body speak

 

I’ve been dealing with a sick child for the last four days, but I only started to get really worried in the last few days.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself that worry doesn’t help anything or anyone and the only thing you can control is this moment right here.  Sometimes, the worst possible scenarios enter your head and all you can do is not latch onto them and let them fester.

We are still trying to find out what’s wrong with my son (his knees have been hurting to the point that he can barely walk), but it got me to thinking today about intuition and listening to your body.  I know I’ve talked about intuition before, but this is the part of it where you pay attention to your body and what it’s telling you.

It also made me wonder why doctor’s don’t listen to patients as much as I think they should.  We are the ones living it, or watching our loved ones live it.  You’d think our opinions and thoughts would have more merit in what happens.  I guess that’s a sign you need to find a doctor who will listen to you, but sometimes it isn’t that simple.

This is the second time I’ve had a child with an illness or something happening to their bodies that our pediatrician doesn’t seem to understand.  And instead of listening to me (or my children) he seems to only pay attention to his own thoughts on the matter.  It’s almost like he latches onto the most viable option and anything else is just not right.  I ended up getting a second opinion with my daughter years ago, but I waited far too long.  I chose to listen to a doctor whom I knew wasn’t listening to me and taking my thoughts into account.  Luckily, I found someone who did listen and we were able to take the necessary steps to get her better.

This time, though, I’m going to bail pretty quickly if the doctor isn’t helpful and if things don’t get better for my son.

Sometimes as parents and even for our own medical needs we just have a feeling.  We don’t know what it is and we can’t explain it, but it’s there; and if you don’t advocate for yourself or your child, there are doctors out there who won’t do it either.

The last time I took my son to the doctor, he almost let us leave saying it was just a virus.  But I stayed.  I told the doctor my son could barely move his arms to pick up a glass of water.  I knew there was something wrong, I just didn’t know what.  In that case, the doctor ran a Mono test even though he didn’t believe it would come back positive.  But it did.

I believe there is something wrong again, but I have no idea what.  And if it doesn’t clear up soon, I will push until we find a way to help him feel better.  I don’t know if that’s mother’s intuition or just being connected to my son, but his body is saying something and I aim to find out what it is.


Bee at A Spirit of Healing is currently hosting Mindful Monday while Colleen at Silver Threading is away.

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Love Is In Da Blog – Fathers and Mothers

I had this brilliant idea today (if I do say so myself) about doing a father and mother post together since it’s a rather touchy subject for me and I tried and couldn’t write something up yesterday. I’ve decided that when all else fails, there is probably a song somewhere that can express what I want to say, sometimes even better than I can say it anyway.

I first want to say that I love both of my parents. My very first blog post was a poem I wrote for my mom on her birthday last year. You can check it out here if you are so inclined. I honestly believe that they raised me the best they knew how or were taught how by their parents, which leads me to what I wanted to touch on.

All my years of therapy taught me something that I’m sure others have learned as well. There is a cycle of abuse that happens in families and unfortunately is passed down from generation to generation. If I went really far back, I could probably find some descendant of my grandfather who beat the crap out of his sons and then they did it to theirs and so on down the line until we reach my generation. We might see that there are changes or approvals with each generation, but for the most part it is a cycle of abuse.

My father didn’t beat the crap out of me, but I was still raised in a pretty abusive household. One of my siblings brought up an incident once with him and his response was, “You think that’s bad, you should have seen what my dad did to me and your uncle.” As I said, it just makes me sad to even think about; but also, I’m grateful. Grateful that I can look at my own children and see that somehow I was able to stop a cycle that I could have very easily continued. I’m not saying I’ve been perfect; I’m sure Adelle will tell you that her brothers had it easy because the change happened somewhere in her early childhood; but I can say that I try every day to make my children’s lives better than the cycle of abuse I was brought up in.

One of my favorite songs is Daughters (I think it could be titled daughters or sons) by John Mayer. This song makes me cry every time I hear it, probably because the words touch me so deeply and personally. I believe it speaks to this cycle of abuse and has a simple answer – just be good to your kids. My motto is to always remember how I felt when I was their age and if I wouldn’t have liked it, it’s a pretty safe bet that they won’t, so I try and keep things in perspective.

It isn’t an easy cycle to break, but I believe we can break it if we are willing to do the work because it does take work. Anyway, that’s my two cents on mothers and fathers.

The lyrics are courtesy of AZlyrics.

“Daughters”

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I’ve done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It’s the same she’s been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she’s left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You’ll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too


This post is part of Love Is In Da Blog hosted by Bee. Her prompts for the last two days were mothers and fathers. Feel free to click the links and join in the love!

Love Is In Da Blog