I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. Oh, there’s been moments of light where I realize things are going pretty well, but for the most part, my brain spends many, many hours a day drenched in negativity. It was actually a breath of fresh air to wake up to Facebook this morning and its sometimes annoying “memory” of the day.
Today, it gave me a post of my “Spring Memories”. It was heart-warming to see the photos because my Spring memories are full of hospitals, pain, pain meds and healing. Not to mention the nasty thoughts that swirl around my brain, creating an alternate reality.
It’s sometimes hard to remember that I GOT MARRIED! I also went on the best hike with my boys on Mother’s day. It was one of the more perfect Mother’s days I can remember, to be honest. Then there was the fact that my husband survived heart surgery…!
We are trying to look at the whole thing as a positive because, you know, he’s still here. But sometimes it’s so easy to only focus on the two weeks in the hospital, the terror of wondering if I would ever see him alive again and the freshly healing scars. It’s hard to see the sunshine when it seems that the rain is pouring down and the clouds are darkening every day and there doesn’t seem to be a break in sight.
The reality is that the clouds dissipated for days at a time, and there was so much sunshine. I’m just wondering when my brain is going to catch up…
I suppose I should remember that I’m not a slave to my thoughts. It’s not like my brain has some demon entity in there controlling my thoughts and making me miserable all day, every day, even though it seems like it. The logical part of me remembers that depression doesn’t define who I am, but the emotional part of me wonders if I’m strong enough to hold the demon at bay.
Anyway, this is just another reminder today that life is worth living and there are moments of joy even in the midst of the worst times.
It’s my goal to return to the things that make the depression easier to bear – writing and exercising. Although, the exercise may have to wait another month or so because my 40-year old body just doesn’t heal as quickly from surgery as it used to and two surgeries for me in less than six months just about did me in.
Happy Saturday everyone!
Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G Hill. Today’s prompt is “rain/rein/reign”.