Yesterday was a rough day. As someone who suffers from depression, it was one of those days you just get through. You try your best not to cry too much, not to lash out at those closest to you too much, but mostly you just try not to believe the dark thoughts that swirl around you, rendering you practically immobile and defenseless.
When I woke up this morning, I realized that there were actually a few rays of light throughout the day, but they were drowned out by how horrible I felt. In the aftermath of a day like that, I’m going to go ahead and remind myself that even in the dark times there are things to smile about, it isn’t as bad as it feels, and even as much as that dark voice tells me I’m unlovable, no one in my life went ahead and decided to un-love me yesterday.
In the middle of the afternoon, Adelle texted me and we exchanged a few texts before I asked if she wanted to FaceTime. We spent the next hour or so chatting about life (#college as she calls it), exchanging stories of our week, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. It’s times like this I am so grateful for technology and the ability to not just talk to my daughter, but to actually see her.
The rest of the afternoon is pretty much a blur at this point but at around six, I had resigned myself to just getting through the rest of the day. I was blissfully numb without actually feeling any kind of joy.
Earlier in the morning, I told my boyfriend that I missed my boys and was excited to see them. They share time with me and their Dad and Sunday is our switch day at around 8pm. A little after six, I received a text from Jaxon.
“Can me and Dru stay one more night since we have the day off tomorrow?”
Of course, my response was, “You sure can. When do you want me to pick you up?”
“When you usually do on a work/school day (smiley face).”
We exchanged I love yous and a few more smiley faces and I went back to reading. I’m not one to say “no” to my kids for the sake of a “no” and since the only reason I wanted them here was what I felt to be a selfish one, it wasn’t even a decision. It didn’t even hurt all that much. I think with depression, you reach a point where you want to save everyone around you the heartache of just being near you; or, at least, that’s what it feels like when you aren’t thinking clearly and all you see is the darkness.
It was almost 9pm when I received a phone call from Andru.
“Hey Buddy. How are you?”
“Is it okay if I come over tonight?”
Andru is my sweet 11 year old and is very sensitive to me. I don’t think he picked up on the day I was having, but he did probably feel bad knowing it was my night and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
“Of course you can, buddy, but if you want to stay at your Dad’s, that’s fine too.”
“Well, it was a toss up. I want to come over but I want to stay here too, so I did Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.”
“I see. I guess my house won?”
He showed up about ten minutes later and I was happy to end my day cuddled in between my boyfriend and my son. It was a beautiful end to a rather difficult day.
I’m happy to be on the other side of it. I’m also happy I have memories of the day that aren’t all dark and stormy. A few rays of sunlight managed to peak through thanks to those closest to me.
This post is part of Just Jot It January hosted by Linda G Hill.