Rays of Light in a Dark Day

Yesterday was a rough day. As someone who suffers from depression, it was one of those days you just get through. You try your best not to cry too much, not to lash out at those closest to you too much, but mostly you just try not to believe the dark thoughts that swirl around you, rendering you practically immobile and defenseless.

When I woke up this morning, I realized that there were actually a few rays of light throughout the day, but they were drowned out by how horrible I felt. In the aftermath of a day like that, I’m going to go ahead and remind myself that even in the dark times there are things to smile about, it isn’t as bad as it feels, and even as much as that dark voice tells me I’m unlovable, no one in my life went ahead and decided to un-love me yesterday.

In the middle of the afternoon, Adelle texted me and we exchanged a few texts before I asked if she wanted to FaceTime. We spent the next hour or so chatting about life (#college as she calls it), exchanging stories of our week, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. It’s times like this I am so grateful for technology and the ability to not just talk to my daughter, but to actually see her.

The rest of the afternoon is pretty much a blur at this point but at around six, I had resigned myself to just getting through the rest of the day. I was blissfully numb without actually feeling any kind of joy.

Earlier in the morning, I told my boyfriend that I missed my boys and was excited to see them. They share time with me and their Dad and Sunday is our switch day at around 8pm. A little after six, I received a text from Jaxon.

“Can me and Dru stay one more night since we have the day off tomorrow?”

Of course, my response was, “You sure can. When do you want me to pick you up?”

“When you usually do on a work/school day (smiley face).”

We exchanged I love yous and a few more smiley faces and I went back to reading. I’m not one to say “no” to my kids for the sake of a “no” and since the only reason I wanted them here was what I felt to be a selfish one, it wasn’t even a decision. It didn’t even hurt all that much. I think with depression, you reach a point where you want to save everyone around you the heartache of just being near you; or, at least, that’s what it feels like when you aren’t thinking clearly and all you see is the darkness.

It was almost 9pm when I received a phone call from Andru.

“Hi Mom.”

“Hey Buddy. How are you?”

“I’m good.”

“What’s up?”

“Is it okay if I come over tonight?”

Andru is my sweet 11 year old and is very sensitive to me. I don’t think he picked up on the day I was having, but he did probably feel bad knowing it was my night and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

“Of course you can, buddy, but if you want to stay at your Dad’s, that’s fine too.”

“Well, it was a toss up. I want to come over but I want to stay here too, so I did Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.”

“I see. I guess my house won?”

“Yeah.”

He showed up about ten minutes later and I was happy to end my day cuddled in between my boyfriend and my son. It was a beautiful end to a rather difficult day.

I’m happy to be on the other side of it. I’m also happy I have memories of the day that aren’t all dark and stormy. A few rays of sunlight managed to peak through thanks to those closest to me.

This post is part of Just Jot It January hosted by Linda G Hill.

JJJ 2015

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8 thoughts on “Rays of Light in a Dark Day

  1. Sending you HUGS and lots of love. I know how hard those days are. That was very sweet of your 11yo to want to be with you on your night, and I’m glad you were able to talk with all your kids on such a tough day. If you ever want to chat with someone who understands, feel free to email me. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh sweet girl, I am glad you made it through that tough day. How sweet of Andrew to do what he did. He is such a gentle person. Sitting between Andru & Nater who love you is pretty special. I am always near if you need me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love the way your day ended. One of the first things I learned about unschooling was that there really aren’t bad days, only bad moments – even in the worst days, there are usually some not-bad moments.

    It’s good that you can see them. =D

    I’m thinking about your generosity with your boys. If you’d told them they had to come home, they might have been angry, or depressed, and, most likely, that would have made the evening worse all around.

    Instead, your generosity fed his. That’s a pretty beautiful thing. ❤

    Incidentally, Annalise, who is 10.5, informs me that Eeny Meeny always ends on the choice opposite of the one you start with. Just a random bit of information!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think of it as generosity. I have shared time with them long enough and really, it’s their time, not mine. If they want to spend it with their Dad, who am I to say they should be with me because I said so? Especially if I don’t have anything planned. I’ve always tried to respect them because they are children, yes, but they are, more importantly, human beings with thoughts and ideas all their own.

      I find that even if the whole day is bad, it doesn’t usually leak into the next, or even if it does, it won’t last forever. The best thing to do is notice the good things and not attach to the bad.

      Thanks for your thoughts and especially for sharing Annalise’s thoughts. They always make me smile. 🙂

      Like

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