I was watching Criminal Minds the other night and granted, it’s Criminal Minds so some of the subject matter is dark and rather hard to take sometimes; but this time was different. This time, there were scenes that took me back to a time in my life that I continually think I’ve moved on from, that I think I’ve healed from, but then a song or pictures from a movie or something else will take me back.
I nearly had a panic attack it was so strong. I really felt like I lost a sense of this reality and was back in that one but more in an emotional sense.
It makes me wonder if I will ever truly heal.
I suppose sometimes we think that “healing” means letting it go and moving on, never to think about it again or feel it again or see it again. But I think there are some things where this never happens. The most we can do is accept that it is a part of us and do our best to not attach to the memories when they surround us and fill up our waking moments and we drown in them for as long as they have us in their clutches.
Everyone heals at their own pace, even when speaking of physical ailments. I had my gall bladder out a little over a year ago and the doctor told me I could be back to work in three days or it could take two weeks; everyone is different. I’m not sure why we all have this expectation of emotional trauma that there is a time frame for healing. “Didn’t that happen 25 years ago and your still not over it?” “I’ve moved on, why haven’t you?” People almost take it personally that I’m having a harder time healing when in reality, I’m not sure if they’ve necessarily healed, they just have a better way of burying it somewhere and not looking at it or dealing with it. This could be very judgmental on my part. Maybe people really do move on that quickly and who am I to say they didn’t really move on, they just buried it.
I think about it a lot because my brother lost his son when he was eighteen months old and everyone around him had an expectation and we all wondered why it was taking so long for his grief to lessen. How horrible is that? And it’s not like it was coming from a place of trying to help him. I think it was coming more from a place of feeling uncomfortable around his grief. It’s not an easy thing to be around someone who is grieving so strongly. I can’t really empathize because I’ve never lost a child; but even if I could, how could that possibly help? It doesn’t. All we can do is accept their grief, but most people have a hard time doing that.
I think it’s the same with emotional trauma in that we never really heal but most people are uncomfortable around someone who is hurting all the time so we learn to hide it or bury it or we stop talking about it and turn it inward where we still battle it, but at least no one will judge us for it.
I suppose this is a really dark take on healing. It comes from me wondering why and if and honestly how can I possibly still hurt this much from something that happened so long ago. They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe it. Time just takes you farther away from the event so maybe it’s not in such clear focus anymore and maybe, just maybe it is a little more bearable. But I honestly believe that there are some things we just don’t heal from.
This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday where we were prompted with heal/heel today by Linda G Hill. It is also part of Just Jot It January also hosted by the same lovely lady. Feel free to click the links and join in.