To say I’m a little bit overwhelmed would probably be putting it mildly. It’s been a week, to say the least. I have this habit of overwhelming myself with “things” and then becoming so overwhelmed I am unable to keep it up. I did it when I announced I was going to train for a half marathon then realized about three weeks in it just wasn’t happening and continuing to beat myself up about not doing it was counter-productive.
I found out a month ago that they are closing my office down and moving it to Detroit. We knew it was coming, but I think we all thought it would be a year or more before it actually happened. There wasn’t a definite time-line given when it was announced a month ago, but they said we would have more information in a month. We were given our severance package and time-line on Thursday, but it was different for everyone. I had a good friend in the office who was told her last day was yesterday. I, at least, have until January 31st. But honestly, I’m not sure it’s worth the dread I feel every day I wake up and go to work. And trying to plan a new job to start exactly February 1st is going to be a pain.
I’ve had a few interviews in the past few weeks, which is a process that I can only tell you is stressful and can be demoralizing at times. I don’t think anyone likes looking for a job and I am here to tell you that I, personally, hate it! Just finding out you didn’t get that job you really wanted simply because the other person was an internal referral (I guess that’s more information than most people get, but still…) is disheartening. It’s also depressing to submit five applications/resumes and not hear back on a single one!
I’ve been battling something this last week, health-wise as well, but I honestly think that is entirely stress-related because it keeps changing. Wednesday, I felt like I had a full-blown cold, but today my stomach hurts and I’m weak and dizzy. All the not feeling well has led to no exercise, yes I’m admitting it, absolutely no exercise for going on two weeks now. I knew exercising was helping my state of mind, but I’m not sure I really appreciated everything it was doing for me. Now, I just look out the window and dream of running but know if I tried in my state it wouldn’t go over so well.
I headed up to bed last night at 9pm. I don’t remember the last time I went to bed that early. I had my doubts that I would actually sleep, but I passed out and slept until 8 this morning. Whenever I sleep like that, I know I’m battling something. I just feel like I’m getting hit on multiple levels right now and it’s hard for me to just take it in stride and be at peace. Not only am I not exercising, I’m in the middle of looking for a new job, but this girl decided that would also be the best time to write a book. I actually did better than I thought I would the first part of the week and I have more words than I ever have before, but I’m not sure I’m doing myself a favor forcing myself to write like this. But there is also that other part of my brain that says I’m just making excuses and, of course I should write no matter what because no words means no book means… well, I could go on, but I’m sure you’ve told yourself the same things as well and not only is it counter-productive, it actually hurts. (Yes, I manage to hurt my own feelings sometimes)
I really didn’t mean to use this post to bitch about my life and the sad state of affairs of my emotional state. I really am just a bit overwhelmed and just a bit depressed, but I believe everything is okay… or at least, that’s my way of trying to make myself feel better. Everything is okay just the way it is. Just accept what is and let it be. If only that was as easy as it sounds.
Here’s hoping you are all having a lovely Saturday and I appreciate you tuning in even though this is a bitch-fest of a post. I’m thinking it helped to get it all out and it feels good to watch my fingers fly across the keys, but I’m sure it wasn’t a fun read. This is what you get with SoCS… just random ramblings about whatever is happening right now. Which isn’t always interesting to the reader but is kind-of making me laugh so I guess it served a useful purpose today. I needed to laugh.
This was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday hosted by Linda G Hill. This week we were prompted with: bat, bet, bit, bot, but.