The Aftermath of Life’s Gut Punch

That thing called life?  Yeah, it went and gut punched me again yesterday.  And while I’m grateful it was just a gut punch and didn’t turn into a full-on battle to the death that left me bleeding on a cold stone floor, it still shook me.  I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be this shaken; that, thank the Universe everything turned out to be okay, or at least manageable.  But then you start to realize where your thoughts have traveled… they’ve ventured down the treacherous “what if” road. They’ve actually created a whole new reality simply by thinking them, and you feel those feelings and drown in them almost as if the “what if” event had truly happened.

It makes me wonder why we do this to ourselves because I know I’m not the only one who travels this insidious path.  Isn’t it enough that everything was okay?  No, now I have to go and wonder what might have happened if this or that or…

Picking up the pieces of my shattered serenity, I am pretty much back to the same place I found myself yesterday morning, only now things are slightly different.

First, I am going to have my tattoo colored in by myself tomorrow.  Which isn’t such a big thing, but it was that thing my sister and I had planned to do together and we were going to see it through to the end.  But since she won’t be able to finish hers for quite some time, I’m going to go and have mine done and hopefully I will be with her when she is able to finish hers.

Second, I might just be doing Tough Mudder by myself.  If not the whole thing, I will most likely be the only one who tries each obstacle, which is pretty ridiculous when you look back and realize that I was the one who said “NO WAY” when the idea was first proposed.  I’m still hoping we can all at least attempt it, but I’m thinking it is still up in the air at this point.  The training is also going to be a solo endeavor for the next little while and I’m not sure I’m okay with that!  I mean, who else is going to spur me to post better running times?  Who else is going to motivate me to do cross-training on my off-running days?  (This is where I think I’ve put far too much on my sister and I need to start looking at what I can do to motivate myself since she is obviously floundering under the weight of my neediness [too soon for the joking?… I apologize]).

So, there you have it.

Without really saying anything I have managed to let you know the state of my mind and how the next few months look.  How plans can go from concrete, set-in-stone laws to whimsical cloud fluff that could disappear at any moment – or at least change to something else entirely more whimsical and airy than what they were before.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present.  Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence.  Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

 -Eckhart Tolle

Each day I am more fully convinced that Eckhart Tolle is brilliant.

There is no past; there is no future; there is no made-up event that might have happened but didn’t actually happen. There is only now.

My sister is here now and she is smiling and happy and alive.

NOW is the BEST place to be!

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12 thoughts on “The Aftermath of Life’s Gut Punch

  1. Sorry that you’re struggling. And I know the picture is so much bigger than just Mudder and exercise and all that and sometimes it feels good to hone in on the little things, but it’s all going to turn out ok. As long as you have your breath, everything is going to be ok.

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    • Thank you, Martha! Everything is okay, things just look a bit different now, that’s all. 🙂 I was never really good at change, especially when I had my heart set on something, but it will all be okay.

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  2. I’m sorry things changed in a way you would rather they hadn’t. And I agree wholeheartedly about Eckhart Tolle – he gave me the tools to shift the way I think, feel, and respond (and helped me to see that I had spent most of my time reacting to whatever emotions held me at the time).

    I’m largely estranged from my parents (although they live very close by, and the children visit them often), my sister, and my younger brother, with whom I was once especially close. This is more or less voluntary. I was raised in an abusive and toxic dynamic, and, in order to leave that behind, I eventually needed to limit my interactions and relationships with those who insisted that I stay the way I had been (which was much more readily turned to meeting their emotional needs than my own or my immediate family’s).

    While I hope that one day things might be different, I feel a far deeper peace and joy without those entangled and unhealthy connections. I hadn’t realized how much I limited myself, or how often i asked for permission to live my life in a way that made sense to me, until I stepped away.

    It isn’t a matter of not loving them; it’s a matter of my needing things I can’t get from them, and them having needs I simply can’t meet (because none of us can make any other happy; that has to come from within each of us, and it’s a matter of many, many choices.)

    I’m glad that you’re adjusting to the new reality, and finding the opportunities in it. May you also find joy, and a deeper peace. ❤

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    • Thank you for sharing Shanjeniah. It takes courage to step away from things that are harmful to you, especially when it’s your own family. I have a similar situation, but my sister and younger brother have changed in ways that make us all able to move forward together and help each other on our journey. My sister is and has always been my best friend and it’s crazy how much it shakes you when something happens to them and it changes everything, even if it is only the immediate future, thank the Universe for that once again!

      Also nice to find other Eckhart Tolle lovers out there. His words came to me at a time in my life I needed them most and have been a huge inspiration in how I am now choosing to live my life. ❤

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      • I had the same experience with Eckhart Tolle. I was ready for a shift, but needed the tools.

        I’m glad the incident didn’t have long-lasting consequences, and that you and your siblings are able to move forward together.

        I hope for that with mine, one day. Until then, I will continue to move toward peace and self-awareness in my own life.

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  3. What beautiful words you have written. I loved the thought by Eckhart Tolle. Thank you for sharing the words we all felt. Love you girl.

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  4. Pingback: SoCS – Some Exercise and Some Inspiration | This Thing Called Life One Word at a Time

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