That thing called life? Yeah, it went and gut punched me again yesterday. And while I’m grateful it was just a gut punch and didn’t turn into a full-on battle to the death that left me bleeding on a cold stone floor, it still shook me. I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be this shaken; that, thank the Universe everything turned out to be okay, or at least manageable. But then you start to realize where your thoughts have traveled… they’ve ventured down the treacherous “what if” road. They’ve actually created a whole new reality simply by thinking them, and you feel those feelings and drown in them almost as if the “what if” event had truly happened.
It makes me wonder why we do this to ourselves because I know I’m not the only one who travels this insidious path. Isn’t it enough that everything was okay? No, now I have to go and wonder what might have happened if this or that or…
Picking up the pieces of my shattered serenity, I am pretty much back to the same place I found myself yesterday morning, only now things are slightly different.
First, I am going to have my tattoo colored in by myself tomorrow. Which isn’t such a big thing, but it was that thing my sister and I had planned to do together and we were going to see it through to the end. But since she won’t be able to finish hers for quite some time, I’m going to go and have mine done and hopefully I will be with her when she is able to finish hers.
Second, I might just be doing Tough Mudder by myself. If not the whole thing, I will most likely be the only one who tries each obstacle, which is pretty ridiculous when you look back and realize that I was the one who said “NO WAY” when the idea was first proposed. I’m still hoping we can all at least attempt it, but I’m thinking it is still up in the air at this point. The training is also going to be a solo endeavor for the next little while and I’m not sure I’m okay with that! I mean, who else is going to spur me to post better running times? Who else is going to motivate me to do cross-training on my off-running days? (This is where I think I’ve put far too much on my sister and I need to start looking at what I can do to motivate myself since she is obviously floundering under the weight of my neediness [too soon for the joking?… I apologize]).
So, there you have it.
Without really saying anything I have managed to let you know the state of my mind and how the next few months look. How plans can go from concrete, set-in-stone laws to whimsical cloud fluff that could disappear at any moment – or at least change to something else entirely more whimsical and airy than what they were before.
“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”
Each day I am more fully convinced that Eckhart Tolle is brilliant.
There is no past; there is no future; there is no made-up event that might have happened but didn’t actually happen. There is only now.
My sister is here now and she is smiling and happy and alive.
NOW is the BEST place to be!