I want to say thank you to everyone associated with SoCS and the wonderful welcome I have received. I also want to apologize for posting this late. This weekend threatened to be emotional, and it was. I spent most of the time embroiled in funeral happenings with only a short stop for a 5K race yesterday morning. I haven’t had a chance to write anything, and even when there was some time, I spent it in deep thought or getting my own emotions out. (I’m not one of those people who can spend hours around grief and not feel some of my own, especially when I knew the person and could see the impact she had on so many people’s lives and how much she will be missed.)
I am happy to be on this side of the weekend and it was a refreshing change to think about “getting away”. I hope you enjoy my thoughts and remember there is no editing… or at least, not much.
Getting away isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong… I love vacations as much as the next person but there are so many stressful things that go into actually making a vacation happen. I am planning a trip in mid-August to take my daughter to college. Not only am I grieving her moving across the country to go to her top pick of school, I am stressing about helping to pay for her college and the trip down there. I decided to drive her, which should be a fun “coming of age” sort of experience – mother and daughter alone in a car for three days. I am looking forward to that time – since we have lived apart the last year I need that time with her before she is more than a three minute drive away whenever I felt I just couldn’t go another day without seeing her or talking to her.
I was stressing so much about the cost of the trip last week and my boyfriend, the loving supportive person he is asked me, “Did you already make the decision to go?”
I, of course, said, “Yes.”
“Then it doesn’t matter how much it costs. Just do what you have to do and enjoy it because you are going regardless.”
He was right.
I have spent so much time worrying about things that have already been decided and I will worry my way all the way to North Carolina if I’m not careful. It’s time to take a breath and enjoy the experience because worrying about it only serves to make me miserable and will probably leak onto my daughter and I don’t in any want her to feel guilty or sad because I’m freaking about something as arbitrary as money. Sure, money is a genuine concern, but is it more of a concern than… or more correctly is it what the trip is about? I don’t think I’m saying what I want….
I’ve been known to say I hate money. I’ve lived most of my life where there was never enough money to do, not even what we wanted… sometimes there wasn’t enough to do what we needed. I hate that this trip with my daughter is shrouded in “not enough money” and “how am I going to pay for everything.” But, honestly, I have also heard and been known to say “I’ll make more.” I have a job. I could get a second if I chose. Money will happen… until it doesn’t.
This is fast turning into a rant about money instead of writing about getting away.
I’m genuinely excited about the trip. Some people might freak out about being in a car alone with their teenage daughter, but honestly, Adelle and I have a special connection… I believe we are – you know how people say there are soul mates? I believe there are soul siblings and soul children – which sounds weird I suppose, but what defines a soul mate? Someone you feel a deep connection to that seems to stretch the boundaries of time and space. Someone who knows what you’re thinking and can finish your sentences. Adelle and I have that.
Being in a car alone with her will be hours and hours of talking and laughing; hours of loud music – “Mom, you have to hear this song…!” It will be hours of peaceful silence with someone who understands you and the silence isn’t uncomfortable or overbearing. Sure, we might have moments of frustration. We are close enough that sometimes its too much, too close for comfort and you want to scream “get out of my head!” But, for the most part, our connection is peaceful and loving.
I’m excited to be a part of her continuing journey, even if it is only a three day car ride to drop her off and kiss her goodbye. I have a friend who tells me I will hear from my daughter every single day, but I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know if she needs it. I wouldn’t hate it; in fact, it would be wonderful. But it’s time for me to take a step back and let her spread her wings – I apologize for the trite metaphor, but it is the best one I have.
Back to my original purpose in writing this. I am hoping the stress of planning the vacation will soon give way and I will be able to just enjoy the long car ride with my amazingly adult daughter and her continuing journey through this thing called life.